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Mario's 5 weirdest commercial cameos
- — 04 November, 2008 08:56
Stick Nintendo's famous plumber mascot in a videogame commercial, and it'll sell like hotcakes. Other products, not so much. Check out Mario in five commercials that probably didn't do Nintendo (or the other company) any justice.
Two children with seemingly no gaming skills repeatedly crash Mario headfirst into a platform, unaware that there are two or three other jumping moves that could get him higher. Leaving the game running for the night, Mario sees an opportunity to get stronger, by raiding the family fridge and consuming an entire gallon of milk in seconds.
Perhaps Mario couldn't find any portabellas in that icebox, because it's long been proven that the only food or drink that could contribute to Mario's growth is a large mushroom. Mario's gargantuan growth was also unheard of at the time, as pre-New Super Mario Bros. games only allowed the plumber to upgrade from midget to regular-sized man.
Ronald McDonald--with Mario and Grimace watching on--extols the virtues of burgers and fries as power-ups by smacking a Happy Meal box with his ginger head. After enough meat and potatoes are produced to please the three, Mario returns to the scene to try some more Happy Meal smashing, which produces four toys this time around.
Mario only receives power ups by way of smashing bricks, or blocks with punctuation marks on them. Hitting your head on a Happy Meal should only lead to a dented box and crushed McNuggets. Additionally, Mario's diet consists only of mushrooms and ethnic Italian food. No room for burgers and fries. And finally, Happy Meal toys are never that awesome. I mean, a back-flipping Goomba or Koopa you can walk?! Those things should be sold at the Nintendo World Store.
Nintendo was a cereal then. Created by pet-food conglomerate Ralston-Purina, Nintendo Cereal system consisted of two bags of cereal sharing one box. There was one bag that housed Mario style-shapes, and another featuring Zelda. We'll focus exclusively on the Mario half, which had five fun shapes "representing" classic Mario characters.
We say "representing" because we're pretty sure Mario's never been yellow (Perhaps they were foreshadowing Wario?), and Bowser isn't much for standing on all fours stegosaurus-style like their respective cereal bits. Additionally, despite our prayers, normal cereal-eating kids like us have never had our dreams realized of having TVs for heads or engaging in fun adventures with Mario.
Mario traverses through a macaroni-filled landscape, meeting up with Yoshi, Bowser, a dinosaur who loves to inflict damage upon itself, and a boy who can swallow a bowl of macaroni, including the bowl itself. The video may have additional narration, but its spoken in a disturbing macaroni-themed pig latin, so we're stumped.
First of all, a full-blooded Italian like Mario would never endorse macaroni and cheese over more traditional Italian dishes. Heck, even Chef Boyardeewould be an easier sell. Besides that, the issue is once again arisen of Mario being able to summon products by simply smashing his head into things. This time around, he hits his head on Kraft logos and receives blocks of cheese. Finally, Bowser's size is way off of canon, as he's able to fit into a bowl, which is then swallowed completely by a child. Perhaps it was an oversized bowl, and the boy was a giant, but then a question comes up. Why isn't Mario taking him out before he becomes mad with power?
A Mario-look-alike makes his way through a recreation of Super Mario Bros. level 1-1, with way more potential inappropriate touching. His prize is a multitude of McDonald products, including McNuggets found underground.
We've already beaten the dead horse of non-coin/mushroom/stars emerging from blocks, so we'll bypass that. Other transgressions in this commercial include; running into a Goomba without dying, McNuggets sounding like coins, fireballs coming not from a flower but a happy-meal toy, and a non-sensical disc-like weapon which doesn't fit into the Mario franchise in the slightest, except to be a crappy fast food toy. And one final note... these toys aren't even half as awesome as the Super Mario 3 Happy Meal swag.