Fanboys join death and taxes as life's certainties

If a nuclear holocaust were ever to befall the planet and end life as we know it, we can be certain that at least two species would survive to carry on our legacy.

If a nuclear holocaust were ever to befall the planet and end life as we know it, we can be certain that at least two species would survive to carry on our legacy. One is the tenacious cockroach. The other? Fanboys.

It's true. Such is the ferocity of their snarky barbs, and such is the strength of their console-specific convictions, that even an atom-splitting, Fallout 3 end-of-the world nuclear event would not be enough to eliminate their insatiable ranting and raving. Lucky for us, we'd be gone, but we cannot say the same for the hapless cockroach, which would be doomed to an eternity of "first" posts and incoherent rants about monthly NPD Group sales figures (and yes, future cockroaches learn to surf the web).

Well, maybe we exaggerate. This probably won't happen, thankfully, but we can be sure that as long as there are video games there will be fanboys.

Earlier this year we taught you all about the warning signs of fanboyism. Our article was relatively, shall we say, polite. The points made were in the "constructive criticism" category. Not so with this new top 10 list we discovered Wednesday over at Old Wizard.

Body odour, weight, virtual girlfriends and camping out for the latest tech (guilty as charged on that last one) all made the list, and the snark employed was the GamePro list multiplied by a factor of ten.

On finding that special someone online, OW says, "She cried, you cried, and then you made love. Sweet, sweet fake love. It was your first time but she didn't care. Though you've never met in real life and she is probably a 35 five your old man who lives in his parent's basement, just like you, you love her and would never do anything to betray that."

Social skills? Equally scathing rhetoric from the cranky wizards. "Where most children spend the day running around outside, building forts, playing capture the flag, exploring the woods and swamp behind your house, and doing other activities with the neighborhood kids, the hardcore gamer mastered whatever system was popular at the time."

It gets worse from there, but don't worry too much, ok? Just remember, when we're all dead and gone, you'll still have the cockroaches to flame on the forums.

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Jack Loftus

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