Breaking Up With Xbox 360

If the Xbox 360 was your girlfriend, she’d be an unstable, high-maintenance gold-digger.
Now I ain't seeing she's a gold digger...

Now I ain't seeing she's a gold digger...

If the Xbox 360 was your girlfriend, she’d be an unstable, high-maintenance gold-digger. An anonymous games journalist runs with this analogy and kicks his 'ex'-box to the curb…

Breaking Up With Xbox

Sit down, we need to talk.

It’s no secret that things haven’t been perfect between us. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy spending time with you and we've had some really fun times together. Hell, I remember the night we met like it was only yesterday. You were so cool and glamorous — like no other console I’d ever met. I dumped PlayStation 2 for you on the spot. She was pissed, but I didn't care: it was love at first sight.

For a while, everything was perfect. The online gaming, the awesome graphics, the constant stream of kickass games: it was like a dream come true. But then you started to change.

I guess my feelings changed towards you on our third Xbox Live Gold anniversary. Once again, you expected me to renew our relationship with cold, hard cash. It was the same story on our first wireless date together — $100+ for a WiFi adaptor? I felt so used! Then you tried to charge me to look at free social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. That was the final straw.

All I wanted to do was spend time with you, and you kept treating me like your own personal money tree. Where was the love? Where was the respect? Y'know, they have a name for consoles like you — Kanye West wrote a song about it.

And it's not just about the money. You’re also the most high-maintenance console I've ever met. If I don’t treat you like a piece of porcelain glass, you start to give me the ‘silent treatment’ (AKA Red Ring of Death). I want a console I can be rough with for a change; a console that doesn’t mind getting a little dirty.

Look, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just come right out with it. I've fallen for somebody else. I’m not telling you this to hurt you, but you deserve to know the truth. It's not something I planned, it just kind of happened. No, it's not Nintendo Wii. If it were, this would be a whole lot easier.

I’ve - I've been seeing PS3 Slim behind your back. It's been going on for around a month now. When I said I was too tired to go online that night, I was secretly using the PlayStation Network. And when I said I was watching TV… I was really watching Blu-ray.

I know I said I’d never go back to her, but she’s like a completely different console. When she lost all that weight, I couldn’t help myself — I just had to get my hands on her. Free online gaming, inbuilt WiFi, Blu-ray movies and reliable hardware... how was I supposed to refuse? Besides, I want a console I can grow old with. How many years do you think you have left in you? Two? Well, it’s been fun Xbox 360. I really mean that. Hopefully you'll be able to find it in your heart to forgive me. Until then; au revoir.

We’ll always have Gears of War.

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GamePro staff

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Comments

Anonymous

1

That was hilarious! Best article I've read this week!

Alienange

2

I don't think the PS3 enjoys sloppy seconds. You should have stayed faithful to Sony and this mess would never have happened.

VinTheDean

3

Anonymous

I don't think the author/journalist should be anonymous. If the author were known, it would put even greater credibility to the story and reasons for switching consoles.

Anonymous

4

This was weak and unoriginal.

MeHere

5

I like the PSP myself. I prefer to take matters into my own hands.

Anonymous

6

Went through the exact same expirience

drx1

7

original ... yep

Really... not that the XBOX360 xbox et al, is a high maintenance bi-atch, but well that it could be like a real relationship. There is a reason that ships are also thought of a female as well.

I think that most of the consoles need a ways to go to improve. The new PS3 does not play PS2 games? WTF? Even if its once a year, I may want to break out an old game or two ... its fun. I do not necessarily want 5 consoles cluttering up my den. WTF SONY? Just as we ditch the bi-atchy and gold digging 360 you come back to stab us in the back.

I hate them all!!

Stupid, x-girlfriends ... I mean stupid, asstarded corporations. I think they'd do better if they didnt have their collective asses up their butts. No if and or butts! Dumb, dumb, da-dumb!!!

Void where prohibited. Your mileage may vary. Not applicable in the country of Liechtenstein!

disappointed ps3 user

8

PS3 = Epic fail.

Tons of firmware updates for the ps3, each making the machine more annoying to use or breaking a feature. And the cherry on top of the sundae for me was that 3.01 completely bricked my system; after experiencing problems with 3.00 for a week and a half. Lovely. And I mean completely bricked; can't get into safe mode, can't even get the screen to come on. Sony told me in so many words to F-off and pay for a service. This is BS.

I'm hooking up my nintendo; worst thing I had to deal with on that was blowing into the cartridge... :-)

james

9

Who ever heard of a relationship you didn't have to work with

If you're shallow enough to dump your gal for one that's skinnier, then you're going to go through life with terrible girl friends.

Sure, so you've got to spend some for the 360, but you're getting better benefits. She's got a lot of friends who like to get freaky too. And, her in-laws have a lot of money and a great selection of games that only work with their daughter.

Anonymous

10

I knew my relationship with 360-chan was... changing... when she gave me the "I'm going home to Microcoft (to fix this RRoD)" treatment, leaving me all alone... or so she thought. I'd renewed my relationship with PS a couple of months ago, and she was there for me -- I didn't mind the extra weight, and I don't care that she's slimmed down and tarted up now, I love her just like she is. This fall PS3 is bringing her friends Ratchet and Drake over, and things are going to get freaky... I'm afraid 360's going to be spending more lonely nights...

Anonymous

11

Hmmm

The PS3 also speaks many languages. She likes my nihonjin friends, my amerikajin friends, and everyone else... She`s so accepting.

360 is so intolerant...

Anonymous

12

I facepalm at the quality of this article.

Anonymous

13

Fanboys make the world go round

Even with the facts of massive hardware failures, costly add ons, multi platform games being almost carbon copies of each other for over a year now and exclusives being so much better on the PS3 xbot fanboys still keep up the good fight. Meanwhile people just kind of laugh at you for letting MS bend you over and have their way with you.

Reality Check

14

A lot of hate from talentless hacks.

Well i take back the hack part, because that would mean you'd have to actually attempt to do anything like this and Fail at it, but for those who can't appreciate the hilarity. By all means continue to get used by your current console. Because clearly you deserve it.

KRUZ8ER

15

Funny, clever but one problem.

I enjoyed that very much. And as someone who has a 60gb fully back compat PS3 phat and the new PS3 slim. And the fact that I sent my launch 360 and its replacement back. Also a launch 360 elite and its replacement as well. Thats a total of 4 360's that have been sent/received since the 360 launch.

But with all that said, 9 times out of 10, games are just better on the 360. From gfx to framerates to online play the 360 usually wins out in the end. I mean its no secret, everyone knows it, 360 is easier to develop for and it shows in the end result and it has since the PS3 launched.

From Fallout 3 to Ghostbusters to the Orange Box and so on and so forth. Any detailed review that compares the same game for both consoles usually favors the 360. Some people will call it MS bias on the part of the reviewer, some will call me a fanboy even tho I own all 3 current gen systems and most every system going back to the Atari 2600. But me, I just call it fact. Games that come out on both systems are usually better on 360.period.

PSN/XBL Gamertag: KRUZ8ER

Bernard

16

I've been telling people the same thing!

I've been telling people the same thing as what being written in the article. Sadly people are incapable to look beyond the initial price tag! Everytime someone says XBOX 360 is cheaper than PS3, I scratched my head. Obviously they only talking about the bare minimum console price, they haven't add up ALL the other hidden cost over time!

Mystic

17

Great, but....

I loved it, however it would have been made a little funnier if something had been said about going back to the childhood sweetheart that is Super Nintento. It still works, even after all these years.

Anonymous

18

This isn't the 90's

You don't have to choose one console to love, you can have all three.

PS3 and Wii's online implementation are downright stone age compared to XBL, so say what you will about hardware, cost and content; when it comes to online play, there is no comparison.

khanikun

19

PS3 - works great for me

I've got two of the 1st gen PS3s. A Japanese model and a US model. Both work for me. Firmware, never an issue. Most firmware updates had fixes for minor flaws and new features. Again, never had any issues.

I've also got two Xbox 360s. One Japanese and one US model. I've also got 2 RROD Japanese 360s, that are currently sitting in pieces. I'm modding them now, since they RROD'd on me.

Had a Wii. Got rid of that. I never played the stupid thing and the games that I did play on the console, sucked. Worst money spent. It was collecting dust for me, then I mailed it to my sister for her kids. It now collects dust there, as her kids (all under 10) play the 360 more. They don't have a PS3 either.

Anonymous

20

the other day I played halo 3 and the voice chat didnt work in our party . no one could here one another . I can use the ps3 and get that for free hahah. I moved on so this article rings true with me

Victor Chelaru

21

Why I still love my 360

Dear Xbox 360,

I’m writing this letter as a testament of my love for you. See, when I first saw you, I wasn’t interested in a relationship. To be perfectly honest, I’m a sick guy. I do things that… well, most guys won’t even think about doing, and most consoles don’t dare do. No, I’m not just talking about playing games. I mean the really dirty, nasty stuff - programming. Yeah, I said it! And when I heard you were that kinda console, I just couldn’t resist. It’s something that guys like me have fantasized about for years, but always thought that it was too much for even the most open of consoles to handle.

I suppose that a relationship built on such infatuation is doomed in the long run…or is it? Yeah, I hooked up with you because I’m a freak, but let’s face it, outside of the crazy stuff, you’re actually a really fun console. But please, take that as a compliment, because that’s how I intend it. It turns out we had a lot in common – tons of coop games, JRPGs, awesome racing games.

So what if you get sick from time to time (red ring). We’ve got insurance ( MS 3 year warranty ). And yeah, you’re a little high maintenance too (Live gold, wireless adaptor), but you’ve given me so much that I don’t mind. Plus, my options are that prude Wii and the stuck-up PS3 who isn’t very much fun and certainly hasn’t hinted that she’ll open up to more “independent” activities.

Oh, and for all you other guys like me, let me say that hooking up with 3 at the same time (Silverlight, PC, and 360 all using C#) is the most amazing experience ever.

With love to my 360,

--Vic--

Anonymous

22

You wont be getting sound on Halo3 on a PS3.. That's for sure.. H3 is one of the reasons why I use 360.. That and I have 8 others I'm fixing.

jmanxp

23

funny and tru and ive been ther 2

i had an xbox 360 it was fun and all, but time after time it froze on me
ive seen vids on youtube that the first time thy hook up their 360 it fails by rrod and with a 50% fail rite i don't want to get another one, so once i got the $$ i got my self a 80 gig backwards compatible back in DEC 07 and its still running strong with only 5 times it froze on me since i got it on top of that in all i bot like over 100$ in games in the PSNetwork all sweet games i never even bot a game on xbox live coz of the stupid M$ points system,

so i like the way this editor wort this article...

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