D3 Publisher Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad
Pointless, offensive, and downright boring: Onechanbara has arrived.
- Its one redeeming feature is the interactive loading screen
- Mindless story, unlikable characters, insulting graphics
Wow... just wow. Hell hath no fury like a girl gamer scorned. In our charming Heather's own words, "If I wanted to watch a bad porn, I'd rent one instead of wasting seventy bucks on a game that is utterly pointless and frustrating." She's an angel.
Price$ 69.95 (AUD)
Best Deals (Selling at 2 stores)
Where do I start?
You just picked up Onechanbara — excitement is in the air! Ready for some sexy, zombie-slaying action? Well, you're gonna have to wait. The game opens by forcing you to sit through a good five minutes of scrolling text featuring an incomprehensible story. Said text is poorly narrated by scantily-clad protagonist Aya, who is apparently the last descendant of an ancient bloodline. The dialogue begs to be taken seriously, yet after the lengthy dissertation, we cut to Aya relaxing in the shower while her half-sister, Saki, rests in the living room as she crawls half naked towards a TV displaying news of a zombie outbreak. I felt a mixture of guilt and horror as I continued to watch — feelings that would carry on as I witnessed each tasteless cut scene, never once letting up and allowing enjoyment of either the insipid cinematics or the game itself.
Aya, Onechanbara's main character can only be described as some horrible mash-up between the campy atmosphere found at Chuck E. Cheese and the residue from thousands of sleazy stripper poles. The costume design is horrific and is in no way saved by the limited costume customisation — much less the horribly bland characters wearing said costumes (or lack there-of). I have nothing against scantily clad women — hell, Soul Calibur is one of my favourite games — but there is nothing exciting about badly rendered jail bait in a cowboy hat and feather boa. Unlike the Xbox 360 version, the Wii version has an excuse for the choppy graphics, seeing that the hardware can't support what the 360 can. In short, there's no excuse for the horrid amount of slowdown and terribly rendered visuals that plague Onechanbara.
Everything You Never Wanted (And Less!)
The rapid movement that makes up the game's rushed action sequences is seizure inducing, which in all honesty would have been more welcoming than having to play the game. Characters are easily stuck in cramped, poorly designed environments that don't compensate for such quick movement. Running around aimlessly chapter to chapter decimating zombies with little to no effort, I found myself hoping to get face some sort of challenge or at least take damage from a menacing foe or two, but that time never came. I survived the entire game without coming close to dying even once, all while button mashing. As I approached the first boss (who resembled some sort of sloppy tumor) I was looking forward to a life-draining challenge, yet was able to button mash the monster to hell with nothing more than a scratch on my nubile, under-aged body. Each boss battle after that mirrored that experience: hack, slash, repeat.
The variety of enemies is small and unimaginative. Think of run of the mill zombies and crows and that is what takes up the majority of the game. Survival mode is easier to stomach than story mode due to the, you know, absence of any story. The gameplay is exactly the same however, which is quite disappointing. Onechanbara's music compliments the bad graphics and cheesy design of the game. It seemingly has retro porn roots and fails to get better as you progress through the mindless bloodbath. The one redeeming quality of the game is the interactive loading screen which is a sprite based game reminiscent of Splatterhouse and is sadly more satisfying than the game itself. Still — after having to sit through countless hours of loading, even the sprite zombie game gets tiring.
Is it over?
So, let's review: mindless story? Check. Unlikable characters? Check. Insulting graphics? You name it, Onechanbara's got ample, under-aged amounts of it. Leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth and an unwashable feeling of downright sleaziness, Onechanbara can be simulated by checking into a shady motel. Where'd that stain on the comforter come from? Just like Onechanbara, some things are better left ignored.
Join the PC World newsletter!
Most Popular Reviews
- 1 Sony Xperia Z5 Premium review: Is the world ready for a 4K phone?
- 2 D-Link Taipan AC3200 Ultra tri-band modem-router review
- 3 BlackBerry Priv review: When old habits die hard
- 4 Dell XPS 13 (2016) review: Making the very best Ultrabook
- 5 Microsoft Surface Book review: The verdict on Microsoft's first notebook
Best Deals on PC World
Latest News Articles
- A third of all PC gamers on Steam use Windows 10
- Film Victoria backs women in gaming with new fellowships
- Nintendo kicks off 2016 with new Zelda release and new 3DS
- Expensive gaming desktops and laptops thrive in slumping PC market
- The PS4 is the fastest selling console in Sony’s history
GGG Evaluation Team
First impression on unpacking the Q702 test unit was the solid feel and clean, minimalist styling.
For work use, Microsoft Word and Excel programs pre-installed on the device are adequate for preparing short documents.
The Fujitsu LifeBook UH574 allowed for great mobility without being obnoxiously heavy or clunky. Its twelve hours of battery life did not disappoint.
The screen was particularly good. It is bright and visible from most angles, however heat is an issue, particularly around the Windows button on the front, and on the back where the battery housing is located.
My first impression after unboxing the Q702 is that it is a nice looking unit. Styling is somewhat minimalist but very effective. The tablet part, once detached, has a nice weight, and no buttons or switches are located in awkward or intrusive positions.
- FTDigital Marketing Specialist | Media BuyerNSW
- CCBusiness AnalystACT
- CCSenior Business Analyst - BaselineACT
- FTTechnical WriterNSW
- CCSolution Design EngineerACT
- CCTechnical Lead - .NET TechnologiesACT
- CCData Migration SpecialistQLD
- CCOracle Project OfficerSA
- CCSAP HR Functional ConsultantNSW
- CCMaster SchedulerVIC
- CCCisco Network EngineerNSW
- CCApplication Support AnalystNSW
- CCPortfolio-Program SchedulerNSW
- CCWeb DeveloperNSW
- FTNetwork Engineer | NV2 clearance | Defence projects | Immediate interviewACT
- CCIT Service Improvement SpecialistNSW
- FTOracle System Integration Engineer - CANBERRASA
- CCSenior Business Analyst - NPPVIC
- CCSenior Product Specialist - Cisco CPENSW
- CCContract Analyst Programmer (JAVA/Crystal Report) 160115/AP/vhsAsia
- FTAxway API DeveloperNSW
- CCSenior Business AnalystNSW
- CCLync/Skype EngineerNSW
- CCBusiness AnalystQLD
- FTBusiness Intelligence AnalystVIC