7. Alan “Jaws” Mullaly
So named for the big white teeth he shows with his oft-displayed politician’s grin, Alan Mullaly is credited with bringing Ford back from the brink, though he couldn’t save Detroit. He would have been perfect for Microsoft CEO (and Microsoft CEO critics) because he knows very little about technology, which would have continued the underlying flavor of confusion and incompetence we’ve come to associate with the job. He supposedly helped Ballmer organize last year’s teamwork-oriented reorganization of Microsoft, which, according to my sources, didn’t work at all. That probably had him a close finalist to Nadella. Rumor has it his longtime friendship with Ballmer and their frequent visits to Seattle’s opium dens knocked him out of contention in the end.