Microsoft TV: Too True to Be Funny!

MSN's Gayle Troberman announced new online TV concepts at a Microsoft event.

Some stuff you can't make up. In April, Mediaweek really did report that at a Microsoft event, MSN's Gayle Troberman announced new online TV concepts. Among them: In Need of Repair, described as "a male-skewing home improvement series featuring a pair of sophomoric, mostly inept, hosts."

Troberman said the shows could be tweaked to advertisers' needs, but the first script seems destined for a major overhaul. I can't vouch for its provenance, but the informant who sent it to me claims to have fished it out of a Recycle Bin at an undisclosed location in Redmond, Washington.

FADE IN:

Bilgey and Butthead, in overalls with "B & B Windows" emblazoned across their chests, confront an irate customer in his home. Bilgey has a whiny voice and a really bad haircut; Butthead is all bluster, no hair.

CUSTOMER: Look at this! You said you'd fix my windows!

BILGEY: Replaced 'em! All new! Innovative!

BUTTHEAD: Great job! Great job!

CUSTOMER: It's like looking through a fun-house mirror!

BILGEY: That's our slogan: New windows! More fun!

CUSTOMER: Can't you see how distorted they are?

BUTTHEAD: They're high tech. And green! Recycled!

BILGEY: They're our new Blista Windows.

BUTTHEAD: You ever wonder what happens to those plastic blister-packs that stuff comes in?

BILGEY: The ones you have to open with a knife?

CUSTOMER: No.

BUTTHEAD: Well, that's what these windows are made of.

BILGEY: They're much safer than regular windows. Watch!

(Butthead smacks a window with a hammer; a chunk falls out.)

BILGEY: With a normal window, glass would be all over.

CUSTOMER: But now this one has a hole in it.

BUTTHEAD: No problem! These windows have a patch kit. It's free. We'll send it to you. Even tell you how to install it!

CUSTOMER: But I'm not a windows installer!

BILGEY: You are now.

CUSTOMER: Besides, I can't even open these windows.

BUTTHEAD: Safety feature! Unusable Aperture Control!

BILGEY: UAC for short! Protects you!

BUTTHEAD: If you opened them, anything could happen!

BILGEY: A squirrel might run in!

BUTTHEAD: A hamster might fall out!

BILGEY: With UAC, you're safe!

CUSTOMER: And hot. I want windows that open. And ones I can see through. Put the old ones back.

BUTTHEAD: Won't do it.

BILGEY: Can't do it.

BUTTHEAD: We don't support those dangerous old things.

CUSTOMER: You're saying I'm stuck with these?

BILGEY: Just till our new version.

BUTTHEAD: Upgrade. New. We call 'em Blasta Windows.

BILGEY: Ready by the end of the year.

(B & B exchange glances and snigger hysterically.)

CUSTOMER: What'll they cost me?

B & B (together): You don't want to know!

CUSTOMER: How long have you been doing this?

BILGEY (proudly): You're our first customer.

CUSTOMER: What did you do before?

B & B: We were in . . . the software business!

(They laugh uncontrollably as the sound track swells.)

FADE OUT...

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Stephen Manes

PC World
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